0.

it's been really warm of late. 

it's funny, cause just early last week the rain kept pouring, and all i said to myself was, "fuckin' great the monsoon season is here." and i love wet weather. not the dampness in particular, but from where i am, rain means cool weather, and that's the only time we have cold weather over here. 

the cool crisp air, the gentle wisps of ice-breath caressing your face. the only reason to actually wear a hoodie and get away with it.

but then, the clouds just decided to fuck with me and go elsewhere to open up. and with clear skies, the sun just burns everything up. the heat is unbelievable. and i really wish there was a way for me to obtain a stat to show how many days of sun we've had. i tell you, even cubans couldn't deal with it over here. tropical? my ass.


there's always something about the cold that i've enjoyed. you experience this surreal feeling where everything moves slower than normal. cars on the road, people on the street, everything moves slower. 

you get to enjoy the beauty of things. in autumn, you see leaves brightening up and falling off branches. the wetness combined, you can stroll through parks without losing your breath. you get to be with yourself, share your thoughts to yourself. everything's quieter when it's cold. 

it's also the only time when you can see the true physical beauty of people, all covered up looking decent and warm. i've always had this thing, to cuddle someone who's clothed in thick fabric. i dunno, it's just a great feeling to just feel all that warmth even with all the layers on. i dunno, it's just a thing of mine.


yes, of course, i'm gonna be addressing the elephant in this entry. i've been away for a very long time. and yes, i do have my reasons. 

"All the voices that are spinnin' around me 

trying to tell me what to say"

i've just come to realise that, not getting in touch with my emotional side too often is a good thing. i mean, at the moment i'm just not getting in touch with my emotional side at all, and i feel liberated, in a way. all i've been doing is sweeping all the emotions under the rug and carrying on. and it feels good in a way.

but that's the issue. just keep sweeping things under the rug, and it's just keep building up, and eventually, you'll have to deal with the mess. 

but, for the time being, it's been working. liberated, yes, i feel liberated. i feel slightly superficial, male bimbo-like. i've been enjoying things i once nosed at. but it's been enjoyable. i feel slightly balanced, in a way.

things, career-wise, hasn't been amazing. it's been bipolar, of opposites. it's annoying, i really thought that i've finally had it under control. the thing is, i don't think i'm the only one being affected in such a way, such is the market at the moment. but this uncertainty, as much as it can bring beautiful surprises, it can be very depressing. and i'm feeling the depression more than the beautiful surprises. 

and then i look at one of my 2 creators, and it just saddens me that, things could very well be that way.

that's the painful part, when i have to be so cold. it tears me within, ripped at the seams, but, what can one possibly do? it's been 25 years, and the only good memory i have with him? 0.

pain. and pain that will stay with me for life, i'm sure. can't possibly understand why life would ever be planned this way. was i always meant to feel this miserable within but yet try to provide comfort to the lives of others?

i can't even see the future at the moment. not even now, not even when i'm gonna be 1/4 century old in a few weeks. it's like, come whatever may. 

i wanna see happiness, i wanna see material wealth, i wanna see the ability to help others. those are just figments of the pseudo life i wished i was born with. i can't really see if this pseudo life will become a reality. i strive for it, i really do, but am I impatient?

i've not given up. i've reach the stage where giving up means total failure. and the only way you can measure success is to achieve what you set out to achieve. and in order to do that, i have to keep trying.

yes, i do have a different way of writing. again, it has evolved. it's more messy than before. oh well.

Million of 5

The list of things I'll do if I had $5,000,000 tonight:

1. Clear ALL outstanding loans (car, house, bank etc, estimated at $150K)
2. Set aside $100K for each of my brothers, including me, for further studies ($300K total)
3. I will buy some real estate as investment, and have it under the names of everyone in the family (max of $2 mil full cash payment)
4. Start a business, preferably something that is bound to make money immediately, like a petrol station, or a 7-11 near One Fullerton, where there is a lot of human traffic, or designing of mobile applications (estimated start-up cost of $500K max? POA) 
5. Balance (say $2 mil)? Personal grooming for the family ($50K?), traveling with my family (set aside $100K for future traveling plans), buy a new family car (max $300K down payment), invest the balance of $450K of $1.45 mil into stocks, shares, equities, commodities.
6. The balance of $1 mil? Enjoy the good life.

Plans for the future for myself:

1. Get my degree in Marketing and get employed in one of the best marketing firms in the country
2. Buy a car for myself with the money I'm making from my business (I'd love a Maserati, but if I can afford it, a Ferrari or Lamborghini)
3. Buy a property for myself, somewhere in the city. 
4. Support my family financially.
5. Enjoy life. Life will be complete.

Discontinuation, unless..

"feel like I've been waiting so long for tonight."

A lot swimming through my head right now. Actually, not much, come to think of it. Just my constant worry that I won't be able to reach the heights my dreams have set for me, that's all. Yup, that's all.

It really has been a constant worry to be honest. It's this feeling of not being able to be as great as I thought I could. Yeah, I'd like to be great. To be rich. It's really about money. Cause I know what it's like to not have any. And really, once you go there, you don't ever wanna be there again. 

I feel the constant need to fulfill the dreams my parents had, both for themselves, and for me. I honestly think that, at times, that's what having kids are for, besides carrying the family's name. My parents, like all young adults during their age, had big dreams for themselves. However, they were thrown into the slumps of life, and had no choice but to abandon their aspirations and fantasies. I honestly feel sad when I think about it. And I know it hurts them till this day. I see it in their eyes. And just seeing them try so hard to rekindle that chance once more, it feels like someone took a dagger and stabbed my heart with it, twisting it while the sliver's in me. 

I can't afford to be like them. It's not because they are ugly people. As I grow older, I grow fonder towards them. It's taken so much of out them to raise me up to who I am today. And for that reason, I can't afford to be like them. I have to be more than them. More than who they are. That was their job all along, to raise me so that I would carry their dreams with me and make it a reality. Cause I know, they think highly of me. And right now, I'm nothing but a huge disappointment to them, and to my capabilities.

For that, I feel sad. Even more so after writing all this. I have been a huge disappointment to my parents, and that kills me. I can't continue like this. Really, I mean it. I can't. And if this carries on for too long, I won't continue.

"enough is enough, just gotta let go."

Compose Heart Full Of Broken Vessel

I'm sitting on my bed, in my unlit room, with my curtains almost fully closed. Except for that small opening, where I can see tonight's bronze coloured moon. It's not a full moon, it's only about four-fifths a moon. But it's nice. 

Nights make me wonder. It makes me very deep. And for so many years now, I'm still by myself. People came, and left. Girls came, and left. And each time that happens, it makes me colder inside. Colder in both temperature and personality. Cause I give my all, and when I do, they take a piece of me with them. And slowly, I crumble. Soon, all I'll be left with is a piece of me. Just one piece. 

I think of all the times I've spent with the people I've really liked. It makes my heart skip a beat, in a sad way. The kind of way when it feels like for a moment, your heart actually stopped beating. It, for a moment, feels like I've taken my last breath. It saddens me deeply. And most of the time, I ask myself,"Am I really that unworthy of mutual attraction?" Am I that bad? 

Am I? Cause it seems so. 

I miss you. But, like I've told ya, you'll never hear from me ever again. I stand by that. Cause what's the use of having half-hearted conversations and commitment-less companionship? Unless you discover a valve that opens the floodgates of feelings you have towards me, I will be non-existent to you. I'll be that invisible kid. And I'll move on, with another part of my heart stitched with the aid of time.

There are too many stitches already.

Titanium Time

Maybe it's a lack of focus. Maybe it's a lack of determination. Maybe, it's a lack of belief. Belief, the lack of it, in myself. The belief that I can actually accomplish something big for myself. 

I used to be this guy who had his world in the palm of his hands. I used to be able to dictate, to lead, to gain the attention of people. Now? I'm becoming a regular Joe. That's hurting me. More than that, my ego's bruised.

Whenever I watch John Mayer playing the guitar, I always tell myself that I wish I could be as good as him. Yet, I never placed myself in a situation where I actually worked hard for it. It was a simple wish, hoping that some miracle would happen, and I'll be able to play the guitar like him. 

I look at the people who's revolutionised the world. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg. All leading people in the world, and I always told myself that I wish to be one of them one day. But again, I just sit there and wish for it to happen. Sure, I do feel handicapped without the aid of capital. But, even I know that it's just an excuse. I just sit there wishing for something to happen. That's it. Nothing else.


I feel sad thinking about it. I used to be someone who had determination. Now, I just feel like I've succumbed to the normality of life. The mundane cycle of waking up to get to work and getting back to sleep to get ready for work. I used to aspire for greatness. Now, I just do nothing.

It leaves me close to tears thinking about this. Right now, I have a job that can potentially make me a lot of money yet, nothing is working. And there it is again, I'm hoping for something to turn up. I do know that I've been trying, but the only way for me to feel that I've been trying hard enough is when things actually start getting better. Right now, I feel that I've not been doing even as close to the best as I am capable of. 

I know I'm capable for greatness. I know that, I know I have the capacity to go far and fulfil the promises I made to the older me when I was young. And I want things to change. I want to change. I want to be that guy who is unbreakable. Right now, I've been cracking up too much. It's time to change that. It's time for me to be titanium. 

I can do it, I know that I can. And if I keep my head out of my ass, I will. 

This is what i want to achieve by the end of this year: Clear of all debts, get my weight down to less than, you know what number (I'm too ashamed to say it), and to have savings of $20,000 in my bank. 

I can do it. And this year, I will. I'll come back here at the end of the year, and I'll say that I did it. I can do it. I will.

Fate, Karma, Destiny

Listening to John Mayer right now. Watching him actually, Where The Light Is. Beauty, just beauty.

I've been very keen to write for a while now, with all the stuff that's been happening. However, today was just the catalyst I needed to accelerate my intentions. Today was, in one word, amazing. Amazing, cause life seems to throw things at you when you least expect it. Or in my case, totally blind-sided. 

"so scared of getting old, I'm only good at being young."

Today was a total turn of events for me. I was finally able to go out and spend my own money, with someone really close to me. I was finally able to finance my own expenses after months of slogging. I was finally able to go out, albeit for a few hours, and get mixed up in a crowded shopping mall. It felt good, it felt really good.

Then at night, I was in the car with someone who I met a long time ago. A time where, when I was thinking back earlier, everything started to fall apart. It was completely unintentional. I will not go into details as to why it was unintentional, but I was utterly surprised. It's that kind of person where you wished they never existed anymore after what they've done to you, but at the same time, the kind of person where you wanna see, to relive the old memories. To have met this person, it gave me a rush of blood to my temple. 

It was awkward, and it was sickening. And all I could think of was to hurt this person the way this person hurt me. And at the same time, I was thinking, smiling to myself, that fate, karma, destiny, all of these do exist. I'm a big believer in destiny, and this was just a means to justify my belief. What a way to do so. Really, words cannot describe this monumental justification.

The night ended, and I got into my car and drove off, with music blasting through the speakers, and me ripping the road to shreds. 

"and now i'm free, free falling."

I don't know what's gonna be in store for me next, but I'm just gonna play my part and just live. There are things in store for me, I know that. There's a plan, there's always a plan. There're paths planned for us, I truly believe in that. We just gotta keep on moving. I'm gonna keep moving. 

"we're going down, and you see it too. 

we're going down, and you know that we're doomed. 

my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room."

makes me cry every time I hear it

Sink, Sank, Sunk

It's not been easy to write these days. The words seem to elude me. On one hand, I have things to say. On the other, it all sounds like a fuckin' broken record player. And when you mix both, you get a mind trying its' best to fill the pages, and a flurry of ideas you can't focus on.

On one hand, I've got people I know who just irritate the shit out of me. On the other, I've got me. And right now, me's not in best shape, and that's just putting it kindly.

I'm between the point of wanting everything and not knowing what it is that I truly want. What I need will always stay the same, but I can't get hold of what I actually want these days. One moment I'd like to be cuddled, then all of a sudden I just wanna be alone. One moment I'd like to be busy, then all of a sudden I just wanna cradle myself in bed.

I'm in between feelings. I'm numb. I'm a mess. I'm actually somewhere without being in a specific place. I'm all over the place.

I've been trying real hard, and it really isn't easy. The worst part is that trying this hard still isn't getting me anywhere. I'm just stagnant no matter what I try to and not to do. I need to move. I need to be busy. Why can't I move? Why can't I be busy? Why am I so stagnant?

Why is it so hard? Why does it have to be so hard? Haven't I done right in my life? Haven't I done enough to not deserve to go through this for such an extended period? Because it is an extended period I feel. I must have not done something right, and this is why things are as such.

I've been drinking by myself of late. Not much, just a gulp or 2. And I fear that this may start to be a habit that would be hard to kick away as the period extends further. Really, I didn't ask to be this way. I wanted to be happy but have my deep moments from time to time just to feel like I had some humanity left in me. But it's not turning out that way. 

I can't shake this off no matter what I try. I've been trying, but like quicksand, the more I struggle to break free the faster I sink into the abyss. 

What do I want now? To wake up in the morning and be happy. Really, it isn't much to ask for. Give me something to look forward to, cause right now I'm only looking at the present. And it's dark. So, fucking dark. 

My Poetic Heart

I feel lost. 

I feel weary. 

I feel that all that I've been holding back is gonna explode. Like the water gates holding back the pending gush from its dam. You can see, I'm already leaky. I'm holding it back, I'm forcing to keep the gate shut.

I don't want to be a dam. I want to be a champagne bottle. Bubbly, tasteful, sweet. And I wanna *pop* with fizz and fragrance everytime I burst, not swallow all empty canals like a dam. I want to be greeted with a *woohoo* instead of *run for your lives*. 


Why is it so hard? So hard, to have happiness? To have comfort in life? To have happiness in my life? I chose to be happy, I chose to have fun. But all my choices have been affected by the inability to pursue all this. 

Am I not working hard enough? What is hard enough? I've given up so much to get there, I don't know what else I will have to put aside. 

"My Aching Heart"

I'm a good guy. I'm never rude to anyone, I speak with the gentleness of heart and the sincerity of love. I care for people who are less fortunate, I try my very best to help those in need of miracles in life with whatever I have. I love.

Yet, I've been left heartbroken so many times. So many, that right now, it's just numb. 
Yet, I've been treated like someone who deserves no respect. 
Yet, I've been abandoned.


I feel sad, to think of how I actually planned out my life, and how it has actually panned out. I feel so sad, to look at people being given the opportunity, and me, always looking for a chance but not given one. I've never wanted a life like this. I've never thought that I'd actually live this way. I've never thought my life would ever be like this.

There's no point in ever sharing your sorrows with someone, because no one really knows how bad it is except yourself. I do know that I have a selected group of people who, despite their hectic lives and own issues, would take the time to hear me out. But still, they really won't know just how bad it is. 

And at times, I don't need reasoning. I just need someone to listen, without saying a word. I just need someone to listen, without feeling the fuckin' urge to give me your perspective about the possible reasons. I just need the eyes of interest and comfort, and the silence of care and acknowledgement. I know someone who only knows how to be this way. Too bad, it can never be a permanent fixture for me. 

"My Heart"

If this carries on, I'd really be done. Done, with everything. Done, with my pursuit of happiness. I was never under any illusion that this was gonna be easy, but I never knew how difficult it was gonna be either. And at the back of my mind I know that I have been giving my all, I've never thought otherwise about that. I always know I am capable of even more, but I know that eventually, if this rut carries on, I'm done. 

I've loved, I've had good times. Some, when I think back on, makes me smile in tears. Is that what my happiness is; looking back at the good times, while currently living in the bad, and smiling to myself? It's only gonna make my heart grow fonder, and I can't deceive myself in such a way. Maybe that's why I hate nostalgia? Maybe.

Maybe things were never meant to be, and I was only under the illusion of my aspirations and pseudo abilities. 

Such a heartbreaking thought. 

make it easy for me. just tell me if i will ever be great, and I will decide on my next course of action.

20-4

Hi there. Yup, it's me. After a long, long hiatus I'm back here. I won't be here for long though. I guess, my life has changed in so many ways that seeing me here won't be as often as it used to. Still, I'll be here.

Yes, I have deliberately chosen to be here today. Reason? It's a secret, but I'll let you in on it. *it'smybirthday*

I'm not expecting much to be honest. In fact, if I had the means to, I'd rather be away for this one day.

 I dunno why it's different for this year, but I just don't feel like being part of this whole fiasco. After so much that has happened, I really wish I could just fly away and be by myself. Ideally I'd like to be in Kuala Lumpur, in a nice hotel suite with only me in the room. Soaking myself in the tub while I just close my eyes, and drift away. The smell of fresh warm towels, the ever freezing air-con. It'll be even better if I had a balcony. I could just sit outside, wind blowing in my face while I admire the chaos that is the urban world below me. Who knows, maybe I'll engage a call girl for a nice sensual massage. Still, I'd want her to get out of my room as soon as she's done. I just wanna be by myself.

It's funny, how much I actually wanna be away this year. I don't want my phone to keep beeping, or my Facebook to be flooded with notifications, or people to meet me and wish me. It's not that I expect to get all this attention, but it has been like this for years now so it's safe to assume that it might be a usual trend.

I don't want people to wish me. I don't know, I just wanna be left alone. I won't know what to say and how to reply but saying the real usual stuff, like thanks. That's all, thanks. Or cheers. Or cheers thanks. Fuck.

Maybe I don't want to be wished because I'm afraid of who might actually remember this day. In your mind you always expect a certain group of people who will remember, and so far, nothing. That's why I wanna be away. I don't want to dread the thought of having people I care for not remember today. At the same time, I just want everyone else to have a normal day. At the same time, I just wanna be by myself.

If I could, I would be away. And then when I get back, it has past and everything can go back to normal. Cause really, it has been normal everyday, bar today where I've finally landed a deal. I do feel blessed to be alive everyday, and to be here. But I'm working on having a life I'd remember. So far, it's been stale. Of late, at least.

Oh well, whether I like it or not, I'd have to endure just one day. I've endured many painful and uncomfortable days. This should be a walk in the park.

So on a final note, I'm working hard to be happy. Grant me my wish to be in KL now, and I'd be forever in your debt. Till then, Happy Birthday, to me.

Happy Birthday, bindek.

I Survived

25/03/11, 1155 hrs: I could have died.

This year, date can't remember: I could have killed.

Last week, 12/08/12: I lost my best friend. 

"Tears stream, down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace."

I can't replace, I can only live. And do that, I shall. I'm not invincible, I'm just being tested. You can hide, but you can't hide from yourself.

Nothing else matters.